I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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