She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
