I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
