I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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