It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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