I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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