OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
