Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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