Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
