Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
