Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
