and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All the doctor said was why
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
