when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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