we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Non-Jews are for practice
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
