please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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