so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
