The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
