So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
