so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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