So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize