the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
