I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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