why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
