so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize