he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
