I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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