even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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