You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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