yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
