I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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