no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
