she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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