I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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