Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
