My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
