My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
