Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
