We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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