i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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