i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
