WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
