I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize