Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
