I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
