if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
