I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
