speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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