his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
