i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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