i think my tv is drunk
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
