It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
