every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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