Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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