If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
