Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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