my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
