My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
