When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
