I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
