saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
