no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
