My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
