he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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