I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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