I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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