Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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