im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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