you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
